Blogpost by Elizabeth Ribons
" I was happy being a journalist...I didn't realize losing my job meant losing my identity"
-Maria Shriver
What do you think happened? She loved the work but then, the work was her.
How many of us have been there? Staking so much of who we are into roles or a career? Becoming so enmeshed in the role we have played and making it our identity.
From the starting line of adult life, let's say age twenty? Maybe twenty-two? We create goals for ourselves that we see as levels of success. Getting the degree(s), the perfect job, C-suite, corner office or successful business, the status, recognition in our circles and community, financial freedom, all of the perks that go with it.
The impetus to work hard, very hard, and achieve our goals has always been accepted in our culture as a positive behavior. To better oneself and attain status, financial independence, and success in a career has always been regarded as "the right thing to do".
And with that level of success comes the perks at the job, the status in society, and within your circles. Your community regards you as a prominent and respected person, you are invited into important groups and into exclusive circles. You matter in the world.
Yet something isn't right. And we can begin to hate the job we identify with and in turn hate ourselves When Your Career Becomes Your Whole Identity - HBR.com
On the outside, it all looks like what you had planned it would. Maybe even better, but somehow it is not feeling as good as you had expected. You are overly committed to the work and keeping up the role you play, that you can't even recall why you wanted it so badly.
It's that moment when you are so burned out and asking yourself..."Why am doing this? I don't even enjoy this work"
"Deep down in my gut, I just knew something was not right...All the tips and tricks I had used in the past were no longer working"
- Amy Young, Redefining Possibility - On leaving a dream job at Google
On podcast #34 - NEXT with Elizabeth Ribons
Sadly, more often than not - people stay in those roles because to leave is far too risky or they can't see how they can make a switch with so much on the bottom line. Surely they would lose it all - and their friends and family might think poorly of them. No, it is just too scary.
Or, the role may be taken from you. The company is sold, you close your company, lose the job, or are given early "retirement" and there you are struggling to redefine who you are. Understandable. Work takes up a huge portion of our life and when we don't have it. The gap is real.
Or, you let go of your career and dive headfirst into parenting, running a household or caring for family members, keeping up with all of the commitments, organizing events, all the things that help to support and round out full family life. Then, the kids are out. Leaving a large gap.
And what was it you used to be so interested in? Or have you ever cultivated interests outside of this role?
I have been there and had to regain my sense of self - define the self that wasn't wrapped up in my work and how people defined me. It was time I defined myself.
It was a journey I had to take but it was years ago and I made the switch for the same reason many women do.
Women especially struggle with this as they are propelled into career and life - ticking boxes and wanting "It All" but realizing the ALL is too much and something suffers. Usually, it's them.
Our culture has promoted the "college-hard work- live the career" story and too many have bought it, are caught in it, and are miserable.
Yet, the idea of leaving it?? That is terrifying. Because there seems there is so much to lose.
Again it's change and change is uncertain. People will stay in miserable roles because they at least know what to expect.
That is when you hit a wall. It's not just you, it is many people who one day wake up and realize they can no longer work at the dream job they thought they would love, or find that somehow they cannot identify truly who they are without the roles or career
And, for the women I have interviewed, worked with - and my own experience - the loss of NOT making a change was too great - and that is when they find the courage to seek out answers and begin to take steps towards changing.
Here are the steps I recommend to help define yourself - your true self again.
- Step back. Whenever we our outside is not matching our inside, we have to pause and assess our life and where we are at.
- Redefine what is important. What is success? It is different now than when you first made your goals. Redefine Success
- Next, find a new community, circles and groups that resonate with you and your now. You may not know what they are but just dabble in a few things to begin to explore it. (Of course, keep your networks as those are valuable too - but you may feel like they don't fit anymore. It is still good to stay involved to some degree).
- Reframe how you define yourself to others. Typically, everyone asks what we do for a living. How about you say you are excellent at______________ and when you are not working you: coach a team, paint, garden, are active in your community, spend time with family, are starting a charity, volunteering. Or I am trying my hand at __________ Talk about YOU. What lights you up.
- Diversify. We have to work. It is a fact and you may know you want to head in a different direction. Start exploring how you can point yourself in that direction. You may end up doing something you love as a side interest and that may turn into your NEXT or - simply something that gives you joy.
All of us want to live a rich and fulfilling life.
"Take part, but don't let it take you apart"
Simply, that means we are fitting into roles as our identity, instead of living into who we truly are.
From all my work, courses and speaking this is the core of creating a life you love.
For us to become the best versions of ourselves and live our best lives, we have to truly know who we are and honor ourselves enough to hold that close and live it. And life is challenging, we don't always get what we want but if we are clear on who we are and don't lose ourselves in how people define us....We have a very good chance at finding contentment and being agile enough to face change, challenge and live fulfilled lives.
NEXT Steps and useful resources
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